What does it mean to "give yourself permission"?

Listening to Adele's new songs on Youtube I got to thinking about the phrase "give yourself permission", what it really means and how to begin.

Practically speaking, how does one do this? Is it a mental activity? Emotional? Spiritual?

If it was as easy as just telling yourself to do something such as release guilt, forgive yourself, be happy, then it'd already be done and we wouldn't need to ever think about it again.

Yesterday, when we arrived home from the city, Stellan and Sofia were excited to preview their holiday gifts. They both got new laptop computers. I wanted to be sure we received what we'd ordered so we opened the boxes.

Isabella (my oldest and a sophomore in college) waited until senior year to get a new laptop. We planned that each child would use the school chromebook until they went off to college but this year that plan changed.

Instead both Stellan (senior in high school) and Sofia (sophomore in high school) got new laptops so they could game together. While I was placing the orders, Sofia asked if she could buy her own mouse and headphones. She'd been saving up some money from birthday and holiday gifts and wanted to use it.

As they started talking about the computers, it was revealed that Sofia ordered a new mouse and headphones in addition to the laptop. Stellan got very upset. It took a few minutes to figure out the true source of upset. At first the emotion that came through was jealousy but we eventually figured out it was guilt.

For the past year, we've been seeing doctor after doctor trying to ascertain the source of Stellan's pain. We quickly reached our insurance deductible and are currently on payment plans with hospitals and still looking for answers. The most recent expense was genetic testing to rule out a specific diagnosis. Uninsured, this test costs $5,000 but with having reached the deductible it reduced the price significantly.

Regardless, it's expensive. Stellan knew this test was costing us $700 so they (Yes, "they". Stellan is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.) felt guilty. They felt guilty about how much looking for health answers was costing.

Stellan mistakenly thought their big 18th birthday gift in December was genetic testing and so didn't ask for anything beyond the computer. It's technically an early graduation present combined with Christmas.

Guilt. It's not easy to give yourself permission to stop feeling like a burden.

One of the reasons I share financial information with my kids such as our bills, income, etc. is so they have knowledge about up-to-date living costs as they move out into the world as adults. My intention is that they are informed and prepared to live on their own eventually, not so they feel guilty or like a burden.

The kids have little practical understanding of living expenses and other costs so things get misinterpreted easily. Living on the North Shore of Chicago, it's easy to feel like you belong to the have-nots. Getting a laptop is one of the status symbols in our area.

"The rich kids get new MacBooks all the time," is what Sofia had told me many times. Since my kids use the free school Chromebook computers, they made assumptions in their heads about our financial situation. The kids never ask for much because they know how thrifty I am and that I never pay full price if I can avoid it.

My Dad never shared any financial or lifestyle information with me growing up so I was very naive. I had zero knowledge about what it would cost to live as an independent and be financially wise.

Back to the point of this post. What does it mean to give yourself permission?

Today, it means talking to Stellan ensuring they understand their health challenges are not something to feel guilty about financially. But I can't "give Stellan permission" not to feel guilty. That's only something Stellan can do independently. I, of course, have mentioned several times in earnest that we will do whatever we need to make sure Stellan gets the medical help they need but ... releasing guilt is something a person does on their own.

For me, it means allowing myself to let go of guilt that I offer little financial substance to our family income. I have often felt guilty because when I left teaching 20 years ago I gave up any chance of consistently contributing to the family income. In fact, I mismanaged our finances for years. Partly because I was never taught financial health and partly because we live in an area where it's easy to want to keep up appearances.

What does it mean to give yourself permission?

Maybe for you that's permission to stop feeling guilty and starting feeling worthy even if you don't make "significant" financial contributions to your family. I often feel insignificant in regard to financial contributions to the family but what good is guilt doing me? None. Permission grated to feel differently. ❤️

Maybe it's permission to heal from something painful or let go of anger. Maybe it's permission to see yourself as beautiful or as worthy simply because you're alive.

Maybe it's permission to be your authentic self, to be honest about how you feel or to go for your hopes and dreams.

Thanks to this conversation with Stellan I realized it was time to give myself permission to feel more consistently worthy in the role I chose as stay-at-home parent. What this means to me is to be honest about the guilt when it comes up and chose a different vibe. It means spending time recognizing limiting emotions when they come up and choosing something better every time. ❤️